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Email to: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: Interviews for social media support
Priority: Urgent
Liberty,
Sorry to add to your crazy workload, but my new characters have gone off the rails and I need to wrestle them back under control (there’s pink silicone and pillows involved). Interviews for the social media support post are being held today, and since they will be reporting to you anyway - it’s best you conduct them. I narrowed it down to four candidates, CV’s, job spec, interview questions attached. Take HR for support if he’s available.
Adaline
P.S They start at 2pm - that gives you about 15 minutes! Good luck - you’ll ace it.
P.P.S Before you quit - remember I won’t accept your resignation. You jump, I jump.
Adaline Winters
CEO
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: RE: Interviews for social media support
Priority: Urgent
Adaline,
Fifteen minutes? How am I so blessed with prep time? Also you forgot to attach the CV’s. HR is busy dealing with an incident in the break room regarding lack of coffee beans so I’ll have to deal with this on my own.
P.S. I quit.
Liberty
Liberty Champion
Executive Assistant of Adaline Winters
~~~~~~~~~
Interview #1
Liberty - okay let’s see what we’ve got, Mr. Dangerous? What a name…
The door opens and in strides Dangerous Dave in a swath of leather and a scowling face.
Liberty blinks.
Dave - No Adaline?
Liberty - Therapy is scheduled for tomorrow. You are two days early.
Dave folds himself into the chair opposite and leans back.
Dave - I’m here for the job.
Liberty - Social media support?
Dave - That’s right. Support - control - same difference.
Liberty - Fictional characters aren’t allowed to apply.
Dave - That’s discriminatory, and also not in the job description. It’s all in the small print Ms. Champion.
Liberty - Don’t you Ms. Champion me.
Dave - I’m being respectful to my new boss.
Liberty - You don’t have the job.
Dave - Yet.
Liberty - 🙄 I have three other candidates to see.
Dave - (snorts) I’ve seen them I have no worries about my competition.
Liberty blinks at the closed door - they can’t all be fictional characters right? RIGHT?
Liberty - I’m going to murder Adaline.
Dave - So I’m resourceful, trustworthy, and skilled with a blade. I know many many ways to kill someone, and even more places to bury a body where they will never be found.
Liberty - How does that translate into social media support.
Dave rustles something in his pocket and drags out a crumpled piece of paper.
Dave - I can block-
Liberty - They don’t mean punches, Dave.
Dave - 🤔 I can dice someone before they dice you.
Liberty - I’m sorry, what?
Dave - Hacking?
Liberty - 🤦🏻♀️ that’s not what hacking means.
Dave - regardless I can eliminate the threat before they eliminate you. I’m also excellent at using the postal service. Bill and I are on first name terms.
Liberty - social media posting, not post posting.
Dave - I can post while chatting to Bill, therefore I’m being social.
Liberty - Okay, so your daily tasks include answering emails about books, signings, releases, artwork, graphics…
Dave - right. The E mail.
Liberty - you don’t know what that is do you?
Dave - I’ll see myself out…
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: Is it April fools day?
Priority: Urgent
Adaline,
Mr Dangerous was a bust. I’m assuming that is the extent of the joke. If the next person that walks through the door is a fictional character, I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Is it possible to murder a character that exists in an alternate reality? Let’s hope you vetted the other candidates so we don’t have to find out.
Liberty
P.S. I looked up the definition of executive assistant today. Follow this link for info and adjust your expectations of my responsibilities accordingly. Nowhere does it say I am to manage characters in your brain. www.executiveassistantsdeservelove.com
Liberty Champion
Manager of Crazy at Adaline Winters
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: RE: Is it April fools day?
Priority: Urgent
Liberty,
Dangerous Dave? I thought he could handle those emails… you know the ones. Also he would be an excellent candidate to manage the gang that run riot. Perhaps he doesn’t fit this role, but we could make a new one for him? Think it over, and good luck with the next interviewee, I think you will find her magical. She did send me her CV, but it went poof at midnight.
Adaline
P.S Be kind to her, she’s drowning under pressure as it is.
Adaline Winters
CEO
~~~~~~~~~
Interview #2
Liberty - Next
Daphne - Hi!!!!
Liberty - Oh fuck no, nope, no… careful
Daphne trips up on the piece of paper Dave left. There’s a puddle of water trailing her steps.
Daphne - Oops. Is this part of the job? Cleaning? I can do that.
Liberty - No.
Daphne plonks herself down in a chair and huffs, lifting her fringe off her face while peeling a bit of seaweed from her shoulder.
Daphne - That’s good, I was led to believe there was minimal movement involved making it the perfect job for me.
Liberty pinches the bridge of her nose.
Liberty - Social media support…
Daphne - Yes well, I’m an excellent support person, and social - I can talk to anyone. Media is a new word for me but I’m willing to learn. Also, I learned from the best.
Daphne removes a hand held mirror from her skirts and twists it to face Liberty.
Man in the Mirror - Oh fair, Liberty, you are as ethereal as you are clever. Your beauty knows no bounds.
Liberty blinks.
Daphne - We come as a pair. So you get the two for the price of one. I don’t even need paid, I just need food. See cheap and double the staff!
Liberty - Do you have experience?
Daphne - 🤣 Well, there was that one time with Hansel - hardly worthy of a mention really. But, I’m currently involved with four knights… we have a big thing happening. But it’s not happened happened yet - if you know what I mean 😉
Liberty - Unfortunately, yes I do. But back to the job. How are you with creating a social media buzz?
Daphne - Buzz?
Liberty - Yes, hyping up the public for Adaline’s books.
Daphne - I’m your girl! I can totally hype anyone up!
Man in the Mirror - Adaline’s books are as wondrous as they are wordy.
Liberty - Definition of a book.
Man in the Mirror - And all folks far and wide should read them many times over.
Liberty - I wish it was that easy.
BOOM! The genie appears.
Genie - You rang?
Daphne - Oh that’s right, you actually get the three of us. Plus…
Two capons run into the room. One squats and lays an egg.
Daphne - Food on the go! Nobody else can provide you with this package.
Liberty - Indeed.
Daphne - So I have the job?
Liberty - Let’s check if you know the key platforms… Instagram?
Daphne - whatagram?
Liberty - Facebook
Daphne - my sister loves books, and my face.
Liberty - TikTok?
Daphne jerks to feet and looks around.
Daphne - If that snake Charming is here I will end him.
Liberty - What?
Daphne - Tick tok, you know the clock, midnight, Cinderella? Aren’t you meant to be Adaline’s right hand woman, jeesh, no wonder she’s hiding.
Liberty - Okay, well moving on…
Daphne - ✋ Before I accept the position I have one simple question to ask…
Liberty - This should be good…
Daphne - How many times a day do you serve sausage?
Liberty - No sausage…
Daphne walks out… her capons and genie following her.
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: Seriously?
Priority: Urgent
Adaline,
Seriously?
Liberty
Liberty Champion
Chairman of Rioting Magical Creatures at Adaline Winters
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: RE: Seriously?
Priority: Urgent
Liberty,
I am assuming by the one word email - you didn’t find her a good fit for the job?
Adaline
Adaline Winters
CEO
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: RE: Seriously?
Priority: Urgent
Adaline,
I have a puddle of lake water, bits of seaweed, a genie insistent I wish something so that he will leave and an egg.
You assume correct.
Liberty
Liberty Champion
Cleanup on Aisle 3 at Adaline Winters
~~~~~~~~~
Liberty - next.
No answer….
Liberty gets off the seat and swings the door open… Lulu blinks at her.
Liberty - No no no… the devil is not part of the team.
Lulu - More’s the pity. Perhaps that should be rectified.
Liberty - Come in…let’s see what you’ve got.
Lulu strides in and takes a seat behind the desk… Liberty’s seat.
Liberty - 🤨
Lulu blinks innocently as she drops into the visitor’s chair.
Liberty - Okay, so social media support.
Lulu - Wait, I have this whole presentation.
Snaps fingers and 6 half naked dudes appear each holding Adaline’s books.
Liberty - while I appreciate the effort… (blinks as one of the dudes trails his hand over her shoulders) this won’t cut it on social media.
Lulu - Why not? Sex sells.
Liberty - But the social media gods don’t enjoy too much flesh on show.
Lulu - Who do I need to flay to change this?
Liberty - Pretty sure most of the owners are already going down in the elevator come judgment day. We need something smart, unique, different - stands out from the crowd while also fitting into the trends.
Lulu - This is too much effort to have put on my CV S&M manager.
Liberty - One it’s not a manger, it’s support.
Lulu - Potato patato
Liberty - Two its ’social media’ not social and media.
Lulu - You are too exacting for my tastes. Tell Addy I’m sorry to let her down…
Poofs out of the room leaving a single white feather to fall in Liberty’s lap.
Lulu - Something to remember me by…
Liberty - I’ll be seeing you in therapy in 2 days!
She blinks as his evil laughter disappears.
Liberty - Adaline, you aren’t paying me enough for this shit.
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: hr@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
CC: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: Harassment
Priority: Urgent
HR,
Following an interview I conducted I have been unable to get rid of a candidate's pet genie.
He is insisting I make a wish in order for him to leave, but given the insider knowledge I have - I believe this to be loaded with the promise of something evil, potentially fatal.
Options I have found are;
-
Give in and hope for the best (please be advised my wish will pertain to the sanity of our CEO).
-
Employ the services of a witch to banish him. I have obtained 3 competitive quotes, the best one being a payment of the five eye of newts and a jar of virgin tears.
-
Give the genie a job in the company, and have him sign a non-wish agreement.
Please advise on the best course of action.
Liberty
P.S. Side note, the devil is sniffing around our organization for a job, we could kill two birds with one stone as the witch is able to perform a protection ward for the extra price of a vial of angel blood - I know a girl, and she owes me a favor.
Liberty Champion
WTF Department Lead at Adaline Winters
~~~~~~~~~
Liberty - Next…
Harry floats through the door…
Liberty - You are a ghost.
Harry - I am aware.
He settles himself over the chair, only sinking his body an inch too deep.
Liberty - How do you see yourself fitting into this job?
Harry - I can’t see myself at all, I wish I could - that would make life so much easier rather than shouting pineapples and hoping someone hears me.
The Genie poofs into existence beside Harry.
Genie - State your wish and I shall grant your greatest desire.
Harry - I wish-
Liberty - Nooooo…
Harry - To be a real boy.
Liberty - Ugh…
Genie - Oh no, that breaks one of my few rules. I can’t bring people back from the dead.
Harry - Technically I was already dead.
Genie - What?
Harry - I was a vampire.
Genie - A what?
Harry - You know blood sucking creature, most written about supernatural being?
Genie - You do what now? Suck blood? That seems unsanitary.
Liberty - This from an ancient magical creature that lives in a dusty old lamp.
Genie - How rude! I’ll have you know my lamp has been featured in the ‘Genies have feelings too’ kingdom newsletter.
Harry - And I’m the leader of a support group for vampires, our motto is ‘human’s are not just food, they are friends’.
Liberty - I’m being pranked, right? This is going to end up on the internet as the executive assistant talking to herself.
Harry - What’s the internet?
Liberty drops her notepad on the table.
Liberty - EVERYONE OUT
Harry - Given we don’t have a corpeal form - we are never actually in.
Liberty - Pineapples.
Harry - I shall go inform Cora of the danger.
Harry shoots straight through the wall, leaving behind the genie.
Genie - So about your wish…
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: hr@adalinewinters.co.uk
CC: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk; accounts@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: RE: Harassment
Priority: Urgent
Liberty,
On reviewing your allegation of harassment we have found we cannot be accountable for the stalking by magical creatures if they aren’t employees as this is out of our jurisdiction. We suggest contacting the authorities and letting them take the lead.
Our liability insurance doesn’t cover us to allow for their employment either given the unpredictable nature many of them possess. Plus the limit of three wishes makes them a short lived employee, and the redundancy process would be difficult.
Funding has been cut back so we are unable to contract in the witch. I have copied accounts in, just in case there is wiggle room - perhaps a redistribution from therapy which demands a substantial amount of our budget each month?
We do however agree to the exchange of angel blood for a ward, given that while we often are called demons in HR, we do not in fact work in Hell, nor wish to be relocated.
Please let us know of the staffing appointment for the role of Social Media Support so that we can process their background checks and get them started.
Hope you have a fantastic day & it’s filled with much love and light.
HR.
Head of all things nobody else wants at Adaline Winters
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
CC: hr@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: I quit.
Priority: Not Urgent (because I’ve already left by the time you are reading this).
Adaline,
I am out.
I appointed the Genie as your new Executive Assistant, who in turn appointed Daphne as your social media support.
She, given her complete misunderstanding and not being of our world, appointed the capons Eugene and Hamish as head of logistics.
Lulu now runs HR, which seems fitting. He has relocated the company HQ to the seventh level of Hell, and asks that all employees complete the trials through the rings before coming to see him. Clever, very clever.
I’m now living in the Maldives on a private island, given I caved and used a wish. However I get stung by jellyfish on the daily - still less painful than managing your complicated demanding ass.
Liberty Champion
Former Crisis Manager at Adaline Winters now known as WGAF LTD.
~~~~~~~~~
Email to: Libertychampion@adalinewinters.co.uk
From: adaline@adalinewinters.co.uk
Subject: RE: I quit.
Priority: Urgent
Liberty,
Your resignation was rejected by HR - should have quit before making the devil the boss. He says take the vacation and he will see you in his office at 3am on Monday (apparently that’s the optimal time for him). We are adjusting to this new way of working, but with change comes excitement.
The Genie got bored and left within 38 minutes, Daphne burned down the building 6 minutes later, but luckily the move to Hell had already occurred; she just didn’t read the memo so was hanging around at the old place.
Eugene and Hamish are surprisingly good at their jobs. Perhaps we should keep them? When someone gets excited about planning a signing, they drop an egg - so we have on tap snacks.
Dangerous Dave is refusing to come to therapy unless you are there - what on earth did you say to that man?
Harry has been seen wandering the rubble of the old place muttering about pineapples. I hope you are proud of yourself.
As for the Maldives, I'm coming… I saw this episode - I’ll pee on you bestie. It will all be okay.
Adaline
Adaline Winters
CEO